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Tragedy struck the home of Mr. and Mrs. Margaret Waffletoes earlier today when their pet hamsters escaped from their cage and went doo-doo on the carpet.
“We was just watchin’ Jerry Springer on the TV,” said Mrs. Waffletoes, “when I git up to go grab me some more chip dip, then I sees what happened.”
Apparently, the family’s hamsters, Big Bertha (age 1), and Oscar (age 2), chewed through a piece of Scotch Tape that was keeping their cage door closed. The two hamsters then left the cage and made their way to the floor of the Valparaiso mobile home.
One or both hamsters then allegedly soiled the carpet.
News of the incident spread rapidly, causing outrage in the area. Camera crews arrived within hours, and the nation watched in horror as the Waffletoes tragedy unfolded.
National news celebrity, Geraldo Rivera, took viewers on a dangerous, behind-the-scenes look at the catastrophe, risking his life and the lives of his cameramen and crew.
“Family is the most important thing in the world to me,” Mr. Rivera said. “Which is why this tragedy has effected me and my two or three kids so deeply.” It was later discovered that Mr. Rivera was broadcasting from the wrong trailer.
It took the Waffletoes family hours before Big Bertha and Oscar could be found. They were eventually spotted behind a pile of garbage in the kitchen, and returned to their cage. The security on the hamster’s cage has since been beefed-up considerably, by replacing the “chewed-up” Scotch Tape with a rubber band.
News of the capture spread rapidly, and the Nation breathed a heavy, asthmatic sigh of relief.
Later that evening, the Waffletoes family got another surprise, when President George W. Bush called the family to show his support. “I’m proud that families like you aren’t more fewer,” Mr. Bush said. “And all America is proud. And that proudness isn’t unproud, either. It’s… it’s a pride of… it’s a pride which is proud of this country and proud of you, ...too.”
“We was so excited to hear from the President again!” said Mrs. Waffletoes. “He ain’t called us since last year when the toilet overflowed.” |
