HAMSTER ATTACKS LOCAL 4TH GRADER
Piqua, Ohio
October 5th
A student at Jerome Horwitz Elementary School called the local Child Abuse Hotline yesterday, requesting the aid of police S.W.A.T. teams, armored tanks, and the Ohio National Guard.
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HAMSTERS ESCAPE FROM CAGE, POOP ON FLOOR
Valparaiso, Indiana
June 4th
Tragedy struck the home of Mr. and Mrs. Margaret Waffletoes earlier today when their pet hamsters escaped from their cage and went doo-doo on the carpet.
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HAMSTER PEES IN TEACHER’S HAND. CAUSES LAUGHTER; GROSS-OUTS.
Port Huron, Michigan
February 2nd
Police were called to the scene of a disturbance at Lawrence Fine Elementary School, after a third grade teacher was besmirched by the classroom hamster.
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HAMSTERS CREATE INFERIORITY COMPLEX IN LOCAL GOLDFISH
Portland, Oregon
May 19th
Hamsters in the greater Portland area have been accused of creating civil unrest in the goldfish community.
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HAMSTERS EAT CHILD’S HOMEWORK?
Cleveland, Ohio
April 14th
Bobby Jamison, age 10, found himself at the center of an intense police investigation when he alleged that his three pet hamsters were involved in a bizarre “Homework Eating Conspiracy”.
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